SPATULA MONSTER
A collection of short stories written by South American slave weasels as their only form of entertainment






PROLOUGE


Back in the early 1930's in South America a group of weasels were forced to make can openers for a Nebraskan pork rinds company called Porkrindco. Porkrindco went out of business in mid 1937 and their exploits of the weasels had gone undiscovered until recently when a Japanese spelunker named Fred Smith climbed up the treacherous Mt. Fluffykins and discovered the cave where the slavery had taken place. It seems that these weasels had only one form of entertainment and that was to write short stories on the cave walls. Their style of writing was a bit different than ours but we hope you will enjoy these stories nonetheless.



STORY 1!

8:30



House settles

Again

Nothing

Still Nothing

Creak

Time to change the calander

What's a calander

I don't know what a calander is

My kitty is the president

The letter Y is a very good letter

One time I went to the gila store and I died

Then I bought a hot dog and ate it

Mean while

Bwahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

Uh oh

Just forget it



Story 2@

Plastic doorknobs



My uncle had a plastic doorknob once

It was very ............ doorknobby

Dudududududu

The loooloooooolloopl

Had a cow

And jingo was hiz naaaaaamo

JINGO

JINGO

JINGO

And jingo was his namo

PLOP

FLIIIIIINSTONS

EAT THE FLINSTONS

THERE THE MODER BONE AGE HAMILY

LALALALA

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^ my favorite number

popopopopoplo;polplpolpopolpolpolploolopooolppo

vujb

c

nmb

g

hg

fgfgfgghhjnjnmjhjnkhnlkhgjtgrjg b 

oiewkfj

nobody likes a tattletale

except me

and me

anmeanmeanme Laundry th other purple meat



Story 3#

I never want to hear the word motor oil as long as I live



Hey bob

Yeah bill

I was thinkin

What do you think about giraffes

I mean why are they so big and fat

I dunno bill I was wonderin the same thing

Well when is sombody gonna do somthin about it

About what

About the girrafes

Oh

I mean are they just going to let them sit there and be fat
Or is sombody going to turn them into wholesome meat byproducts

Hey ive got an uncle with a meat byproducs factry

why don't we ask him if he can do anything about the girrafes

That's a stupid idea bob

Huh why

Because nobody is just going to go out and turn the giraffes into meat byproducts

But you just said that they should

No I diddnt

Yes you did

No I diddnt

Yes you did

No I diddnt

Yes you did

Yes I did

Yes your right you did

Huh

But you were supposed to say no you diddnt

Shut up bill im not that stupid

Yes you are

No im not

yes you are

no im not

yes you are

no im not

yes you are

no im not

no your not

yes your right im not

shut up bob

POW!

Bob died

The End



Story 4$

The many uses of toilet floss



Once apon a lime in the kinkdom of kopopo

There was a frog

But this was no oordinary frog oh no

This frog had really big hair

Every day the frog would strut around the kinkdom showing off his big hair

He would always say that he was better than the other frogs

But one day a rat came up to the frog and said

You're a big fat invertabrate

This made the frog very angry

The frog threw a lamp across the room and it smashed into the wall

It was his grandmas lamp and when his grandma saw it

She got very angry and killed him

And his grandma stole his hair

Now every day the grandma would strut around the kinkdom wearing the hair

Until on day the rat came up again and said

Your old

This made the grandma so angry that she exploded

Now the hair was gone and everyone was happy


Moral: Don't count your egg before it's hatched




Story 5%


Toocan Sam Vs. the Wolfman




One day toocan sam was sitting in his ham and eating fruity pebbles

But then the wolfman came and took a picture of him

Huh what was that said toocan sam

Then the wolfman showed him the picture and said that he would have to give him $33000000 or else he would put it in his next gallery furniture commercial

So toocan sam gave the wolfman $33000000 and got the picture

But toocan sam had a plan to get even

That night when the wolfman was asleep toocan sam came and spilled tomato sauce all over the wolfmans couch

The next morning the wolfman woke up and saw the tomato sauce on his couch

The wolfman got really mad and went to rooms to go to buy a new couch

Then toocan sam took a picture of him

Nooooooooooooooo said the wolfman

Toocan sam said that he would have to pay him $33000001 to get the picture or else he would show it in is next froot loops commercial

So the wolfman gave him $33000001 and got the picture

Then the wolfman ate the picture and kicked toocan sam in the nuts

Then toocan sam stepped on the wolfmans foot

But it diddnt hurt since he was a toocan and only weighed about 10 pounds

So the wolfman kicked him again

Toocan sam was really hurt now so he took out a special kazoo and blew into it

This created a sound so low pitched that it could only be heard by aunt grandma

There was a rumbling coming from aunt grandmas huge footsteps

Then over the horizon there she came an old fat lady so big that she was even bigger than the earth

The wolfman screamed and started to run away

But it diddnt make any difference since aunt grandma was so big that she moved at 50000 miles per second

But the wolfman kept running

He ran until he got to the local NASA headquarters

Everyone at NASA felt so honered to have the wolfman in their presence that they decided to give him a free space shuttle

The wolfman hopped into the space shuttle and took off

Toocan sam ordered aunt grandma to catch the rocket before it flew away

To aunt grandma the rocket was like a gnat that moved as fast as a snail

So aunt grandma grabbed the rocket and gave the wolfman a spanking

The force of aunt grandmas spanking was so great that it split every atom in the wolfmans body into a zillion pieces

So now toocan sam was even and he went back to eating his fruity pebbles which by now were all soggy



Story 6^

Monkey's day at the stock market



Duh

Um

Well

Joojoopasta

Ok

Um

Hmmm

I'm going to sing a song

Um

Well not really

One day monkey went to the stock markey and he

Bought some stocks

And he um then he

Ate the stocks

And the stocks tasted really bad so barfed them up

The monkey barf combined with the stocks made a chemical reaction take place

And the stocks turned into baby hamsters

Monkey was very happy to have his very own baby hamsters

Monkey raised the hamsters and trained them to fight evil

And soon

The hamsters transformed into pterodactyls

Now monkey could fly anywhere he wanted

So he hopped onto the pterodactyls and flew to jupiter

When he was on jupiter he met some nice aliens and they ate cocktail weenies together

Now monkey had to go home because it was time for the annual bacon festival

When monkey got to the festival he ate all the bacon and everybody got mad and said

Bad monkey



Story 7&

The Very last storey
now with extra tarter sauce



Once upon a flamingo

There was a very famus movie producer named J.B. Cow

"I think I'll make a new movie about a watermelon" he said

"A watermelon who's parents were killed in a car crash"

"And the movie will be about his struggle to survive in the big dangerous city without any parents"

"And there will be a car chase scene where the watermelon has to escape from the evil police in his limousine"

"And then there will be a scene where sombody has planted a bomb in the empire state building and he has to escape from the 956th floor while being chased by rabid hyenas before the bomb goes off"

"And it will be called"

"George Washington's first movie"

After spending an entire three days making the movie J.B. Cow had Paramount pictures release it in theaters

And it became the most popular movie ever

Next week it was released on video

Then he made a sequel and he called it

George Washington's first movie 2: dinosquirrel strikes back

And then he made 7 more sequels

And then it got its own TV show called

George Washington's first movie: the animated series

And soon it had reached the top of the heap and got

Its own official pair of shoes

But....

Everybody hated the shoes and the world was thrown into armageddon

And then...

Bobo the dog got a new hat for his birthday and thanked everyone for the wonderful gift

It was a shiny blue hat with purple dots all over

Bobo took his hat everywhere he went

Eventually Bobo and his hat got married and lived happily ever aftar

!THE END!